...candles for lights, chinese take-out, a book, millions of thoughts... maybe some music.. soulful.. would ask you to join me.. but i really don't like NO's and maybe's are like sour-jelly babies.. bitter yet promise to be sweet if you are lucky...
you see i want to write for you.. but i am not sure you will ever read... and if you do.. you might never figure out that you are the one that shaped the thoughts that guided this... what ever it is?
funny thing is that i know i will never know if you are the one or whether i am ambitious and pretty pathetic for even thinking i could be the one you'd want to be with..
I wish i was like sam.. full of life and daring and confidence..
I will explain.. he drank his first alcoholic drink.. says nothing happen to him.. after the first sip, we al waited .. the voice, mom, the dj, the dog, the town.. everything.. while the djs played loud music and woman and man danced, shouted and gyrated around us.. we waited.. NOTHING.. NOTHING.. AT ALL..
.........
Sam was first to speak.. "We are fine, you see.. "
Mom laughed... "that is how you father started..." That cut deep...
The voice said nothing at first...."and asked us if we were all ok.." We all started talking at the same time explain in a barrage of voise and sound.. how we are all ok.. the louder we spoke.. the loud clarence spoke to his friends.. as he celebrated not being drunk..
but what does this have to do with .. tonight.. and you.. and all the rest.. well.. i really don't know.. porkus brought it up.. so i reminisced a little..but to the point.. but this shouls also illustrate my escapist nature.. I run when I am not sure.. I am pretty scared of the dark… the dark being .. metaphoric … literally I am afraid of opening up to you because i have nothing but me to offer..
no riches, no ambition, no real direction.. no promise to be amazing, nothing.. coz of i am not enough..
sad right.. not wrist slitting sad.. just sad..
I can only write coz SAM is clearly not in this afternoon..
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